jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Anyone really
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …