Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀