So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.