The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.