My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
it must be school picture day
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
i want to work in this restaurant
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”