How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*watches the world burn*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.