I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Happy Thanksgiving
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
🛁
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
my lower back watching me try to live my life
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.