When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…