stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Flowers bee like
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”