If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions