Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.