Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.