Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
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Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
U talkin 2 me?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.