*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.