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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.