Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Hit me in the face with a bird
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo