I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
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Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
emergency phone
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes