If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
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ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.