Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid