My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.