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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Tier 3 meme
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms