if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
saw this in a dream
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying