The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
You Might Also Like
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.