Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.