‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You Might Also Like
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it