Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.