Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?