5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?