Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
A little too much information.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!