Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.