From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry