once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes