That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.