Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.