Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Okay
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know