Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
lmfao
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”