My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Coffee for people with no kids
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.