How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
You Might Also Like
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Always 🥴
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.