[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.