We’ve all been there
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.