My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon