I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….