God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. đź’€
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now