Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
what the
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.