Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.