if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Um … Hot Wings please
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble