Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Taking phone security to the next level.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter