According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Rooting for the overdog
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them