[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?