*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Somebody’s lying.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.